Attachment Theory 101: Everything You Wanted to Know About Attachment Styles, What They Say About You, and Your Relationships
By Crystal Chen, PhD
Are you securely, anxiously, or avoidantly attached? Attachment styles have been all over social media lately. But what do these different styles mean, and are they actually meaningful to your mental health, or just pop psychology?
The origins of attachment theory
Attachment theory was first proposed by John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and psychologist in the 1950s. He was influenced by working with young children who had experienced significant separations, neglect, and loss with their caregivers.
Bowlby believed that many of the children's emotional difficulties were related to these disruptions. He theorized that we are born with the innate need to bond with our primary caregivers as it increases our chances of survival from an evolutionary perspective. Beyond survival's sake, our experiences with primary caregivers are our first introduction to what being in a relationship and learning to depend on someone might look and feel like.
The impact of early childhood on us
Bowlby suggested that our early caregiver interactions shape our internal working models, or sets of beliefs about ourselves (e.g., I am worthy/unworthy of love), other people (e.g., I can/can't trust other people), and the world (e.g., my environment is/is not safe). While these beliefs may shift throughout life as we continue to have other experiences, our early memories with caregivers provide our first blueprint for how we understand ourselves, our emotions, relationships, and environment.
Discovering the four attachment styles
Bowlby's theory was elaborated by Mary Ainsworth and other prominent attachment researchers in the famous "Strange Situation" studies through the 1960s, 70s, and 80s. If you’re not familiar with these experiments, here’s what happened. Pairs of mothers and their infants were invited one at a time into a play room with a built in one-way mirror. The one-way mirror allowed researchers to observe their behavior from a room next door without being visible themselves, or having the researcher’s presence interrupt or change natural interactions. What was being observed was how these infants behaved when their mother was briefly asked to step out of the room, leaving them in the play room alone - and what happened when their mother returned.
The researchers observed that infants responded to the experience of being separated and then reunited with their mothers in four distinct ways.
What became more clear over time is that the infant's response style to the experience was related to the type of bond they had with their mother. The “Strange Situation” research studies became pivotal to our understanding of attachment theory today.
The four attachment styles
Here is a summary of what happened in the “Strange Situation” studies, and what researchers learned about attachment. The field of attachment theory and research has since grown tremendously to describe many types of relationships and bonds. For the purposes of this blog, I’m writing about four parent-child attachment styles.
Below, I’ve also included examples of how such experiences in childhood may shape an internal working model of relationships in adulthood. It’s important to know that there isn’t an automatic, direct pathway between childhood attachment with caregivers and later adult attachment in different relationships. Just as no one experience dictates our entire personality, and different aspects of personality may show up at work versus with friends or partners - the same is true for attachment. For many of us, we have a multitude of attachment experiences across a lifetime that have shaped the way you feel about intimacy and distance with others.
#1 Secure attachment style
What happened in the study:
These infants were observed relating to their mother like a home base. They’d check in every now and again with their mother as they explored their brand new environment full of toys. To them, Mom served as a secure base, providing a foundational sense of security that allowed them to explore and play. When she left the room, these infants typically (and understandably!) became visibly upset. Upon her return, however, they were quickly soothed by their mother. They used her as a safe haven for comfort and safety after being separated, and were able to return to playing. Interestingly enough, these infants showed a preference for their mother over strangers.
What researchers learned about attachment:
Ainsworth's team believed that these infants had already learned that their mother were generally responsive and sensitive to their needs, leading them to internalize that they could rely on them for availability and support, even after an unexpected new experience.
Examples of secure attachment in adulthood
I enjoy being close to others.
I can depend on others, and am comfortable with others depending on me.
I can flexibly shift from spending time with my partner(s) to being by myself. I can also shift from being alone to sharing space and time with my partner(s).
During conflict, I can own my contribution to the conflict and I am not emotionally disturbed by the rupture/distance in the relationship.
During disagreements, I am okay with my partner(s) having another viewpoint, and do not find it threatening to me or our bond if they disagree (assuming it isn't about one of my core values or a deeply personal issue).
#2 Insecure-avoidant attachment style
What happened in the study:
These infants appeared indifferent towards their mother, showing little distress when she left the room. They didn’t seek contact with her upon her return. When given a chance to interact with a stranger and their mother, they interacted similarly with both adults and did not show a strong preference for Mom.
What researchers learned about attachment:
Ainsworth's team believed that infants with insecure-avoidant attachment experienced their caregivers as frequently unavailable or unresponsive to their emotional needs. You can imagine that if someone is consistently not there for you or does not respond to you in the ways that you hope for, you might give up asking for help or showing how you feel as a self-protective strategy. With insecure-avoidant attachment, the primary strategy is deactivating (or shutting down) the attachment system as there is little point in showing distress or seeking contact with your caregiver if your needs are often neglected or rejected.
Examples of insecure-avoidance (sometimes called “dismissing”) attachment in adulthood
It's best to rely on myself because people aren't dependable.
I don't need love.
I don't deserve love.
I feel suffocated, annoyed, or overwhelmed when others want greater closeness/intimacy/commitment.
Partners consistently want more from me, more than I am wanting or able to give.
During conflict, I might downplay things or brush things under the rug. I prefer to pull away when things get rocky in relationships.
#3 Insecure-anxious attachment style
What happened in the study:
These infants showed significant anxiety in how they related with their mother. They were reluctant to venture far from her to explore their new environment and play with the toys. When their mother left, they became extremely upset, and when she returned, they continued to cry and could not be soothed. They wanted to be close to Mom and comforted by her, but also could not feel completely soothed by her return.
What researchers learned about attachment:
Ainsworth's team believed that infants with insecure-anxious attachment experienced their caregivers as inconsistent. You can imagine that if someone is unpredictable—sometimes they are responsive, and sometimes they aren’t—you might end up feeling anxious and uncertain about the relationship. Instead of giving up, you might feel the urge to keep seeking their attention and reassurance because you’re never sure when they’ll actually be there for you. With insecure-anxious attachment, the primary strategy is hyper-activating the attachment system or increasing bids for attention (e.g., crying harder and louder) to get your needs met. People with this attachment orientation may have also had caregivers who signaled that being apart is scary, experienced traumatic separations from their caregivers, or been overly concerned about the caregiver's well-being, making continuous closeness the least worrisome option.
Examples of insecure-anxious (sometimes called “preoccupied”) attachment in adulthood
I need my partner to be around much of the time for me to feel safe.
I can't exist without my partner.
I can't fully trust that my partner will be there for me. I need alot of reassurance and reminders to know they are.
I’m often afraid that I'll be left or abandoned.
Things aren't okay if we're apart or we had an argument.
During conflict, I need things to be fixed immediately for me to feel okay again.
During conflict, I worry that my partner may leave me.
#4 Disorganized attachment style
What happened in the study:
Infants with a disorganized attachment showed mixed and confusing behaviors when it came to how they interacted with their mothers. For example, some initially approached their mother but then froze. Unlike infants with avoidant attachment who shut down their attachment needs, or infants with anxious attachment who increased bids for attention, these infants did not have a clear, organized way of coping with the separation when she left the room.
What researchers learned about attachment:
This fourth attachment orientation was suggested by Mary Main and Judith Solomon in 1986. They suggested that when caregiving is scary or abusive, the child may want to be comforted by the very person they are frightened of, leading to confused and mixed behaviors. In adulthood, this attachment style can look like what’s called a fearful-avoidant style.
Examples of fearful-avoidant attachment in adulthood
I deeply want closeness and intimacy, but I also get overwhelmed and fearful when I get close to others.
I behave in ways that are confusing to me in relationships. It's hard for me to keep track of how I feel or make sense of why I'm acting the way I am.
During conflict, I can switch between needing things to resolve right away to being dismissive, or getting overwhelmed and shutting down.
I relate to parts of the statements from both the anxious and avoidant descriptions above.
So, what does this mean about me?
Regardless of which attachment style(s) you identify with, you are not alone, and there is nothing "wrong" with you. Decades of research has consistently shown that across geography and culture, about 50% of people have a secure attachment orientation and 50% fall under one of the insecure orientations.
Having insecure attachment does not mean you are 'broken' or 'unlovable.' Insecure attachment is also not considered a mental illness. Prominent attachment researchers emphasized that each attachment orientation is an adaptive reaction to one's attachment figures and caregiving environment.
For example, if you experienced inconsistent care, it makes sense that you learned to hyperactivate your distress signals in order to get the attention and reassurance you needed. If you often found your needs ignored, dismissed, punished, or ridiculed, it makes sense that you learned to be hyper-independent, disconnect from your emotions, and feel uncomfortable depending on others. It was a resilient strategy you used to feel as okay as you could.
Changing attachment patterns
At the same time, many people find that their old internal working models no longer serve them and even sometimes limit their ability to build the intimacy, trust, and safety they want in their present-day relationships. The good news is that attachment patterns are not completely set in stone. While lasting change takes time, with self-awareness, supportive relationships, and sometimes therapy, it is possible to experience greater safety and connection in your relationships.
Important reminders when learning about your attachment style:
#1. There are many reasons for why people behave the way they do in relationships!
Someone might appear "avoidant" because they're simply not interested in having a deeper relationship with someone – unrelated to their overall ability for intimacy and connectedness. Your cultural identity and upbringing may also inform how you interpret your partner's emotional availability/unavailability and how you express your needs in relationships.
You might struggle to shift between being alone and being with others due to ADHD or autism-related difficulties with task shifting. Or, you might struggle more with fear of abandonment or rejection due to the rejection-sensitive dysphoria and hyperfocusing often associated with ADHD. Attachment theory can be very helpful in understanding our relationship patterns, but it is not the only explanation.
#2. Try not to get too preoccupied with labeling yourself.
Labels can be a helpful starting point in increasing awareness of ourselves and our behavior. But if we hold onto them too tightly, we can sometimes make the label itself our identity, making it harder to be flexible or change when it may benefit us. Labels can also oversimplify things. Just as you have many facets to who you are and can’t be reduced to just one thing, people are wonderfully complicated and dynamic.
#3. Your attachment style can look different across relationships.
We may feel generally securely attached with our close friends, but anxious or avoidant in our love life. After losing someone or going through a difficult break-up, we may also notice ourselves engaging in more avoidant or anxious strategies than usual. Again, I encourage you to use the attachment style language as a way to bring increased awareness to your patterns and difficulties in relationships, rather than taking them as a fixed personality trait or identity.
#4. Consider therapy if you’re interested in professional support.
Attachment-related work is typically not quick and easy. It’s often not as simple as changing your daily thoughts or behaviors, as there can be deep-seated painful emotions related to our attachment histories. If you feel this to be the case, I highly recommend seeking an attachment-informed therapist to help guide you in this work.
My hope is that this information will empower you to take steps to build relationships that feel more satisfying and fulfilling to you and your relationship partners. Whatever your adaptive patterns or responses may be, I believe that you are not broken, and it’s important to see your patterns with deep compassion and kindness, even if you desperately want change.
We all have attachment needs and we all experience vulnerability in attachment relationships - even securely attached people! Everyone needs to feel connected, sense of belonging, ability to depend on others, and wanted/loved/cherished. Our need to have consistent, reliable relationships that we feel safe to trust and depend is something we all have in common.
About the Author: Dr. Crystal Chen is a postdoctoral fellow at Manhattan Therapy Collective and she enjoys working with people wanting to heal from attachment-related wounds. She has led grant-funded research on attachment in cross-cultural populations and is passionate about increasing awareness of the different cultural parenting practices that promote attachment security in Asian American families.
